How to Build Stronger Relationships

Have you ever felt like you’re always the one chasing after your partner, while they seem to be pulling away? Or maybe you’re the one who always withdraws from your partner, even when you don’t want to? If so, you’re not alone. Many people experience these kinds of patterns in their relationships.

In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson identifies two common relationship patterns: pursuer and withdrawer. Pursuers are often anxious and insecure, and they tend to be the ones who initiate contact and try to keep the relationship close. Withdrawers, on the other hand, are often avoidant and withdrawn, and they tend to pull away from the relationship when they feel threatened or overwhelmed.

These patterns can be very damaging to relationships. Pursuers often feel frustrated and rejected, while withdrawers often feel smothered and controlled. Over time, these patterns can lead to resentment, conflict, and even divorce.

The good news is that it is possible to break these patterns and build stronger relationships. In her book, Dr. Johnson offers a number of exercises and strategies that can help couples become more secure in their relationships.

What is a pursuer?

Pursuers are often anxious and insecure. They may have a history of being neglected or abandoned, which has led them to fear losing their partners. Pursuers often feel like they have to work hard to keep their partners happy. They may be overly critical of themselves and their partners.

What is a withdrawer?

Withdrawers are often avoidant and withdrawn. They may have a history of being criticized or enmeshed, which has led them to fear intimacy. Withdrawers often need a lot of space and autonomy. They may be difficult to reach emotionally.

Here’s some wisdom from Dr. Johnson’s book on how to build stronger relationships:

• Identify your attachment style. The first step to building stronger relationships is to identify your attachment style. Are you a pursuer or a withdrawer? Once you know your attachment style, you can start to understand your own needs and behaviors better.
• Communicate your needs openly and honestly. It’s important to be able to communicate your needs openly and honestly with your partner. This means being able to tell your partner what you need and want, and being able to listen to their needs and wants as well.
• Be willing to compromise. No two people are exactly alike, so there will be times when you and your partner disagree. It’s important to be willing to compromise in order to meet each other’s needs.
• Set boundaries. It’s important to set boundaries in your relationships. This means knowing what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. It also means being able to communicate your boundaries to your partner and being able to respect their boundaries as well.

1. Talk to your partner about your relationship goals. What do you want to achieve in your relationship? Once you know what you want, you can start to work together to achieve it.
2. Spend time together. It’s important to spend quality time together, even if it’s just for a few minutes each day. This will help you connect with each other and build stronger relationships.
3. Do things together that you both enjoy. This could include anything from going on walks to watching movies to playing games. Doing things together will help you create shared memories and experiences.
4. Be supportive of each other. Be there for each other during good times and bad. Let your partner know that you love and support them no matter what.
5. Seek professional help if needed. If you’re struggling to build stronger relationships on your own, consider seeking a licensed therapist for support. A therapist can help you understand your attachment style, develop healthy communication skills, and learn how to set boundaries.

Johnson, S. M. (2011). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

Jeremi McManus, MFT has been a Couples Therapist and an Individual Therapist since 2010 and works with couples who are having trouble communicating and need some guidance in their relationship. His own ups and downs in past relationships and with his wife Kathleen were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and lives with his wife and two kids in Burlingame, California in the San Francisco Bay Area.

After the Affair: A Journey to Healing and Recovery

Source: Spring, Janis Abrahms. After the Affair: A Journey to Healing and Recovery. New York: HarperCollins, 2004.

Part I: Understanding the Affair

Infidelity is a complex issue with no easy answers. There are many reasons why people have affairs, and each person’s experience is unique. However, there are some common themes that emerge when people talk about infidelity.

One common reason for infidelity is a lack of intimacy in the primary relationship. When partners feel disconnected or unloved, they may be more likely to seek out intimacy elsewhere. Another common reason for infidelity is a feeling of boredom or stagnation in the relationship. When partners feel like they are not growing or changing together, they may be more likely to look for excitement elsewhere.

Infidelity can also be a symptom of deeper problems in the relationship, such as communication problems, unresolved conflict, or emotional neglect. When these problems are not addressed, they can lead to infidelity.

The impact of infidelity

Infidelity can have a devastating impact on both partners. The betrayed partner may feel betrayed, angry, hurt, and confused. They may also experience difficulty trusting their partner again. The unfaithful partner may feel guilty, ashamed, and remorseful. They may also feel confused and uncertain about their future.

The impact of infidelity can be long-lasting. It can take time and effort for both partners to heal from the emotional pain of infidelity.

How to cope with infidelity

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how to cope with infidelity. Each person’s experience is unique, and they will need to find what works best for them. However, there are some general things that can help people cope with infidelity, such as:

• Allow yourself to feel your emotions. It is important to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions that you are experiencing, such as anger, sadness, and hurt. Bottling up your emotions will only make them worse.
• Talk to someone you trust. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or trusted friend can help you to process your emotions and to get support.
• Take care of yourself. Make sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise. Taking care of your physical and emotional health will help you to cope with the stress of infidelity.
• Give yourself time to heal. It takes time to heal from the emotional pain of infidelity. Don’t expect to feel better overnight. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself the time you need to heal.

Part II: Deciding What to Do

After an affair, one of the most difficult decisions that a couple faces is whether to stay together or to end the relationship. There is no easy answer to this question, and each couple must decide what is best for them.

There are many factors to consider when making this decision, such as the length of the relationship, the depth of the commitment, the reasons for the affair, and the willingness of both partners to work on the relationship.

If a couple decides to stay together, they will need to commit to rebuilding trust and intimacy. This will take time and effort, but it is possible for couples to heal from infidelity.

Part III: Rebuilding the Relationship

Rebuilding trust and intimacy after an affair is a long and difficult process. However, it is possible for couples to build a new and stronger relationship than they had before.

Here are some ways to rebuild trust and intimacy after an affair:

• Repair. The person who committed the infidelity needs to be able to acknowledge their full responsibility in what they did, the pain they have caused, to express regret for what they did, and ask what they can do to repair the relationship.
• Be honest and open with each other. This means being honest about what happened, how you feel, and what you need from each other.
• Be willing to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened. It means letting go of the anger and resentment that you are holding onto.
• Be patient and understanding. It takes time to rebuild trust and intimacy. Be patient with each other and allow each other the time you need to heal.
• Seek professional help. If you are struggling to rebuild your relationship, it may be helpful to seek professional help from a licensed therapist or counselor.

If you are committed to rebuilding your relationship, it is possible. At the same time know that healing will take an incredible amount of repair work to even get to a place where the person who was cheated on can decide if they can trust again. If you decide you’d like to explore getting support on this harrowing journey, I would love to hear from you.

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Jeremi McManus, MFT has been a Couples Therapist since 2010 and works with couples who are having trouble communicating and need some guidance in their relationship. His own ups and downs in past relationships and with his wife Kathleen were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and lives with his wife and two kids in Burlingame, California in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Secure Attachment: The Key to a Happy Relationship

Attachment theory is a framework for understanding how we form and maintain relationships. It was developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, and it has been widely studied and applied to couples therapy.

Attachment theory posits that our early relationships with our caregivers shape how we view ourselves and others, and how we approach relationships in adulthood. If our caregivers were responsive and available to us, we are likely to develop a secure attachment style. This means that we feel comfortable being close to others, we trust that they will be there for us, and we are able to express our emotions in a healthy way.

However, if our caregivers were unresponsive or inconsistent, we are likely to develop an insecure attachment style. There are three main types of insecure attachment styles:

• Anxious attachment: People with anxious attachment styles are often worried about being abandoned or rejected. They may need a lot of reassurance from their partners, and they may be prone to jealousy and possessiveness.
• Avoidant attachment: People with avoidant attachment styles tend to push away others and avoid intimacy. They may be independent and self-sufficient, but they may also have difficulty trusting others and expressing their emotions.
• Disorganized attachment: People with disorganized attachment styles have a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. They may be clingy and demanding one moment, and then distant and withdrawn the next.

Insecure attachment styles can lead to problems in relationships. For example, people with anxious attachment styles may be constantly seeking reassurance from their partners, which can be draining and suffocating. People with avoidant attachment styles may withdraw from their partners when they feel threatened, which can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. And people with disorganized attachment styles may have difficulty trusting their partners and maintaining healthy relationships.

Couples therapy can be a helpful way to address attachment issues and improve relationship satisfaction. In couples therapy, partners learn about attachment theory and how it affects their relationship. They also learn how to communicate more effectively, manage their emotions, and build trust.

One of the most important things that couples therapy can do is help partners to understand their own attachment styles and how they impact their relationship. This can help partners to be more compassionate towards each other and to better understand the triggers that lead to conflict.

Couples therapy can also help partners to develop more secure attachment styles. This is done by teaching partners how to be more responsive and available to each other, how to express their emotions in a healthy way, and how to resolve conflict in a constructive way.

If you are struggling with attachment issues in your relationship, couples therapy can be a helpful way to improve communication, trust, and intimacy. By working with a therapist, you can learn how to build a more secure attachment with your partner and create a more fulfilling relationship.

Here are some specific techniques that couples therapists can use to help partners with different attachment styles:

• For anxious partners: Therapists can help anxious partners to learn how to self-soothe and to regulate their emotions. They can also teach anxious partners how to communicate their needs to their partners in a clear and assertive way.
• For avoidant partners: Therapists can help avoidant partners to learn how to trust their partners and to be more emotionally open. They can also teach avoidant partners how to express their needs and to ask for help when they need it.
• For disorganized partners: Therapists can help disorganized partners to develop a more coherent sense of self and to build more secure relationships. They can also teach disorganized partners how to manage their emotions in a healthy way and to resolve conflict in a constructive way.

Secure attachment is the foundation of a happy relationship. If you are struggling with attachment issues in your relationship, couples therapy can be a helpful way to improve communication, trust, and intimacy. By working with a therapist, you can learn how to build a more secure attachment with your partner and create a more fulfilling relationship.

1. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.
2. Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.
3. Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention (pp. 121-160). The Guilford Press.

Jeremi McManus, MFT has been a Couples Therapist since 2010 and works with couples who are having trouble communicating and need some guidance in their relationship. His own ups and downs in past relationships and with his wife Kathleen were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and lives with his wife and two kids in Burlingame, California in the San Francisco Bay Area.

The 36 Questions the Lead to Love

Original article and questions by Daniel Jones from the New York Times

This was the Most Read NYT Story of 2015:

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

Jeremi McManus, MFT has been a Couples Therapist in private practice since 2010 and works with couples who are having trouble communicating and need some guidance in their relationship. His own ups and downs in past relationships and with his wife Kathleen were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and lives with his wife and two kids in Burlingame, California in the San Francisco Bay Area.

The Couple Bubble: The Key to a Successful Relationship

In his book Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin refers to the “couple bubble” as a relational space where each partner can be themselves and accept each other as is. The bubble is an ecosystem that fosters safety and security for partners, and it is essential for a successful relationship.

Tatkin explains that the couple bubble is created through a process of attunement. Attunement is the ability to tune in to your partner’s emotional state and respond in a way that is supportive and validating. When partners are attuned, they feel seen, heard, and understood. This creates a sense of safety and security, which allows them to be more open and vulnerable with each other.

The couple bubble is also characterized by a sense of shared identity. Partners in a healthy relationship see themselves as part of a team, and they work together to achieve common goals. They have a shared vision for their future, and they are committed to supporting each other through good times and bad.

The couple bubble is not something that happens overnight. It takes time, effort, and commitment to create and maintain. However, it is worth the investment. A strong couple bubble is the foundation of a successful relationship.

Why is the Couple Bubble Important?

There are many reasons why the couple bubble is important to a successful relationship. Here are a few of the most important:

• The couple bubble provides a safe space for partners to be themselves. When partners feel safe and secure, they are more likely to be open and honest with each other. This allows them to build trust and intimacy.
• The couple bubble helps partners to regulate their emotions. When partners are attuned to each other, they are better able to understand and respond to each other’s emotional needs. This helps them to manage conflict more effectively and to stay connected even when they are feeling stressed or upset.
• The couple bubble provides a sense of belonging and identity. When partners feel like they are part of a team, they feel more connected to each other and to the relationship. This sense of belonging can help to weather the storms of life and to make the relationship more resilient.
• The couple bubble helps partners to cope with stress. When partners have a strong couple bubble, they can rely on each other for support and comfort during difficult times. This can help them to weather the storms of life and to come out stronger on the other side.

How to Create a Couple Bubble

Creating a couple bubble takes time, effort, and commitment. However, there are some things that partners can do to get started:

• Spend time together. One of the best ways to create a couple bubble is to spend time together. This doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Just make sure that you are carving out time each week to connect with each other.
• Listen to each other. When you are together, really listen to each other. This means paying attention to what your partner is saying, both verbally and nonverbally. It also means trying to understand your partner’s perspective.
• Be supportive. Be there for your partner when they need you. This means offering emotional support, practical help, or just a listening ear.
• Be open and honest. Create a space where your partner feels safe to be themselves. This means being open and honest with each other, even when it is difficult.

Conclusion

The couple bubble is an essential part of a successful relationship. It provides a safe space for partners to be themselves, to regulate their emotions, and to cope with stress. If you want to create a strong and lasting relationship, start by creating a couple bubble.

References

• Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain Can Help You Build a Stronger, More Fulfilling Relationship. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.
• The PACT Institute. (n.d.). Couple bubble. Retrieved July 18, 2023, from https://www.thepactinstitute.com/blog?tag=couple+bubble
• Richer Life Counseling. (n.d.). Couple bubble. Retrieved July 18, 2023, from https://richerlifecounseling.com/couple-bubble/

Jeremi McManus, MFT has been a Couples Therapist since 2010 and works with couples who are having trouble communicating and need some guidance in their relationship. His own ups and downs in past relationships and with his wife Kathleen were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and lives with his wife and two kids in Burlingame, California in the San Francisco Bay Area.

How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Benefits Couples

1. What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?
   Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, also known as EFT or EFCT, is a type of therapy where couples work with a counselor to improve their relationship. It helps them understand their feelings and how to express them in a healthy way. The goal is to create a stronger bond between partners.
2. Building Better Communication:
   One of the important benefits of EFCT is improving communication. Sometimes, couples find it hard to talk to each other about their feelings or needs. In EFCT, the therapist helps them learn how to express themselves and listen to each other without getting angry or upset. This helps them understand each other better and solve problems together.
3. Strengthening the Emotional Bond:
   EFCT focuses on creating a strong emotional bond between partners. It helps them feel more connected and secure in their relationship. The therapist helps couples identify and understand their emotions and encourages them to express their love and care for each other. This makes the relationship stronger and happier.
4. Resolving Conflicts:
   Every relationship has conflicts, but EFCT teaches couples how to handle them in a healthy way. Instead of arguing or blaming each other, couples learn to communicate their needs and concerns calmly. The therapist guides them in finding solutions that work for both partners. This helps couples resolve conflicts without hurting each other’s feelings.
5. Creating Trust:
   Trust is a vital part of any relationship, and EFCT helps couples build and rebuild trust. Sometimes, trust can be broken if one partner has made a mistake or if there have been misunderstandings. The therapist helps couples understand each other’s perspectives and work towards forgiveness and rebuilding trust.
6. Emotional Support:
   EFCT also focuses on providing emotional support to both partners. Sometimes, couples may feel lonely or overwhelmed, and the therapy sessions provide a safe space to share their feelings. The therapist helps couples develop empathy and support each other during difficult times, creating a stronger bond.
7. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is a wonderful way for couples to improve their relationship. It helps them communicate better, understand their emotions, and build a stronger bond. By learning these skills, couples can create a loving and supportive partnership that lasts a lifetime.

Sources:

1. Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Routledge.
2. Greenberg, L. S., & Johnson, S. M. (2020). Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: Second Edition. The Guilford Press.

Jeremi McManus, MFT has been a Couples Therapist since 2010 and works with couples who are having trouble communicating and need some guidance in their relationship. His own ups and downs in past relationships and with his wife Kathleen were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and lives with his wife and two kids in Burlingame, California in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Making Friendships Tick

I’d like to ask you a question. What gives your life meaning?

Go ahead, give yourself a moment.

What are you coming up with? Your work. Enjoying art. Good food. Music. Being original. That thing you love to do on the weekends. Being outside. Making a hard earned income. Being creative.

If you said any of those, I can totally relate. And I’d love to hear about the one you thought of that hasn’t been mentioned.

Consider for a moment that there’s actually something deeper than all of this that gives your life meaning. Without this something, none of what just got mentioned has meaning anymore.

That something is relationships. Because if you were completely alone in the world, having any or all of those things we thought of earlier would suddenly be meaningless. You’d have no one to share them with.

(Photo: It started out as a kiss… by Tonya Wicht)

But, if you lost all of those things and still had solid relationships, life would continue to have meaning. Sure, it would probably be a major bummer for a while to be without that job/hobby/ability. But you’d get together with a friend or family member for support, and eventually figure out a way through it.

So, this of course leads me to thinking about how to build the kind of relationships that give our lives meaning. And this reflection leads me to something singular (yet again).

It’s something that has really been highlighted for me by an 84 year old whom I’ve known my whole life. My grandfather. He is someone that I feel very connected to. And if he’s one thing, it’s consistent. Consistent about his schedule. What he wears. Does for fun. Eats for lunch (peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a slice of American cheese.)

Most importantly from where I’m sitting, he’s consistent about getting back to me every time I reach out to him. If I call, he picks up. If I text, he texts back. When I suggested we go to India for three weeks, he got right back to me to say, “Let me think about it.” Then a few days later he called with, “Let’s do it!”

I share this idea of consistency to point to that one thing that builds strong, meaningful relationships.

It’s responsiveness. Essentially, when we reach out to someone, they reach back. By doing this over and over again, we build strong capital in the “relationship investment account” that we have with this person.

So what does responsiveness look like in practice? Let’s break it down.

Texting: when someone texts you, be sure to text them back within a few minutes or hours. Yes, even if they just sent you a silly cat video or an article that’s going to take forever to read. If you’re feeling lazy it can be “thanks!” or whichever emoji you’re keen on this week. And if you can’t get back to them within a few hours say, “Sorry to not get back quicker, out with friends. I’ll check this video/article/etc. out!” Lastly, if you find yourself doing a ton of texting or feeling somewhat agitated, give them a call and have a conversation.

Calling: when someone calls you, give them a call back. Simply texting back in response to a phone call can feel distant and disconnected. If you can’t talk right then, answer the phone and let them know when you can call back. Or text them back with “Thanks for the call! In a meeting right now, can I call you at 9pm?” Then put a reminder in your phone to do exactly that.

Time together: when someone reaches out to set up plans with you, reach back out to make it happen. Try to be flexible with your schedule, as this will make them feel important (which they are). And if you haven’t heard from them in a few weeks, go ahead and initiate spending time with them. You will always get more mileage out of setting up plans ahead of time rather than last minute, because it let’s them know they are important enough for you to set aside your valuable time.

A few traps to avoid:

– Canceling on them. This is probably the most important one. Each contact with this person is an investment into your relationship account, and flaking out takes several withdrawals out of that account. If you absolutely cannot make it to something you committed to, let them know as soon as you can. Include the very important reason why you cannot make it. And in that same call/message, try to offer another specific time that works to hang out together.

– Not reaching out because they haven’t reached out to you in awhile. Falling into this trap means you both lose. You lose because you’re left thinking they don’t care about you or are upset with you, they lose because they might be thinking something similar, and you both lose because you don’t get to spend quality time together.

–  Waiting for something “better” to do to come up. It often doesn’t, and now you don’t have anything fun going on this evening. Plus, you have missed an opportunity to invest in the friendship account by committing to plans with them earlier.

Lastly, if a relationship is really important to you, double down on all of the above. If you tend to forget to respond to calls or messages, put reminders in your phone. (“Hey Siri, remind me to call Gramps today at 7pm.”) Also, check your messages and calls at the end of the day to make sure you didn’t forget to get back to one.

(Photo: Pragser Wildsee by Elena Morelli)

Responsiveness will build the kind of relationships that withstand the hard times and give your life meaning. Enjoy reaping the future rewards of your current relational investments, be it lunch with your grandfather, happy hour with your work colleague, or that weekend hike with your friend.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist, and lives with his wife in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Make Better Connections and Richer Friendships

Next time you are hanging out with someone or a group you’ve just met, resist the temptation to give them your resume. “Here’s where I work, this cool degree I have, the distant place I recently traveled to, some impressive fact about myself, yada yada.” This won’t create much of a bond with your new friend. It’s most likely to create more distance between the two of you. And the result will be them giving you their resume in return.

(Photo: Rhododendron Park Kromlau by Jacob Riglin)

Instead, ask your new friend about themselves with genuine interest. Then, when it’s your turn to talk, share a funny story about yourself or about a unique situation you were recently in. Particularly if it’s one that you don’t come out as the hero. Or, if you are feeling particularly daring, tell a mildly embarrassing story about yourself. Share that thing that you usually edit and don’t talk about. (But avoid stories that are overly personal, traumatizing, super gross-out, or one in which you ended up really angry, as these type of stories will have the opposite effect.) This type of sharing that leaves you somewhat exposed will cause the other person to then do the same. And it is in this vulnerability, that deep bonds are forged and strengthened.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

One Way to Reduce Fights with Your Spouse and Loved Ones

Sure, I’m a relationship and couples therapist, but I am certainly not immune to arguments and disagreements with people close to me. Wife, friends, family. You name it. In fact, having a fight, getting through it, then still being close after is a sign to me of a close relationship. And all relationships are going to have arguments at times. If you don’t think so, let me burst that bubble for you right.. now.

Before I share with you one of my favorite things to do when an argument does start, let’s talk a little about your nervous system. It’s governed by the part of the brain called the amygdala and is just chilling most of the time. But when we experience threat it takes over. It takes over by flooding the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, and puts us either into fight or flight mode (occasionally into freeze).

Which is a great response… if we are facing a lion. Or if there is some other genuine threat in front of us that we need to physically fight against or run away from.

Problem is, since we don’t live in caves anymore, those types of threats are increasingly rare. But our brain’s evolution hasn’t quite caught up with this detail, and kicks into fight or flight mode quite often. It kicks into this mode for things like road traffic, running late for work, or a big meeting with the boss. It even happens when we are in a perfectly safe situation, but our brain senses threat because it starts thinking about something in the past or future that was/could be scary.

So as you’ve probably guessed by now, our amygdala also takes over when a disagreement starts (Lion, EEK!) with the person we are talking to. Unless you are a Zen Master perhaps. But for us normal, non-Zen Master folks, that fight or flight mode in turn takes us out of the parts of the brain that govern rational thought. Then we start saying and doing things that are coming from the amygdala thus a fight or flight place.

(Porcelain Metamorphosis by Martin Klimas)

Initially, indications that we are getting into this mode are more subtle. Tone is a little sharp. Voice is elevated. Language is slightly aggressive.

But then the other person’s amygdala takes over and they get into fight or flight mode too. Here’s where things really start to go south. Not south like a trip to the Bahamas.

(Baa Atoll, Maldives by lennble)

South like bad. Heart rate is up, blood is rushing, face may be flush, body temperature elevates. And since we are both in fight or flight mode, we start talking faster, louder, more angry, more aggressive with our words.

Pretty soon, one or both of us says something really ugly and someone heads for the door or slams the phone down.

Okay, getting back to the title of this article. The way to reduce fights with our spouse or loved ones happens first by getting our amygdala back into chill mode, so that our rational brain can take over again. Continuing to argue with the person in front of us is not going to help us get there. In fact, just being around that person might make it difficult to get back into a relaxed, less activated state.

So, we need to take a few minutes or a few hours to allow that to happen. It can be nice for the other person, particularly if they are your significant other, to know that you are taking those few minutes. (That way they don’t just think you are abandoning them or the whole situation. This way they know instead that you are taking care of your nervous system, which in turns takes care of your relationship.)

Something I coach my couples to say here is “Let’s take a break from this conversation,” or “I think I need a timeout.” What’s key here, is you don’t want to mistakenly tell them you are leaving the relationship. You are just taking a little bit of time to let your amygdala get back to normal. And if you have the presence of mind, give them a time estimate. “I’m going to take 20 minutes to calm down.” If that amount of time goes by and you are still pretty agitated, you’re always allowed to come back and let them know you need more time.

(Highliners taking a timeout in Monte Piana by Balazs Mohai)

During this time that you’ve now set aside, do something that is calming to you. Contrary to what we were told many years ago, punching a pillow is typically not a very calming activity. But there are a slew of alternatives including: take a walk, meditate, do a few stretches, draw a bath, go to a workout class, play a sport, watch your breath, read, take a nap, or really anything that helps your amygdala and autonomic nervous system to get out of fight or flight mode. Side note, if you are leaving to do one of these activities, tell your loved one that is what you are doing. “I’m going to take a drive to relax, and will be back in an hour or so.” That way they aren’t getting more upset while you are gone.

That’s it. It absolutely takes practice and hard work. Just like any worthwhile relationship, or really anything worthwhile for that matter. But it works. And pays back in dividends. Let me know how it goes.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

Three Simple Ideas that Changed my Life by jockobutters

You  might know I’m a huge reddit fan. Such a great site for silly gifs, inspiring videos, pictures of cats. Of course. And the occasional interesting bit of news or worthwhile read.

I’ve been poking around there as usual and stumbled across this article that really got me thinking. I actually woke up thinking about the second one last night.

Let’s get right to it.

Three simple ideas that changed my life by jockobutters

I’ve been wanting to write down these ideas for awhile in the hopes that someone else might find them useful. I know this sub has a tendency toward contrarianism, and I certainly do not intend these ideas to be “universal” – but just wanted to present these things that have personally worked for me and can maybe benefit someone else. If I slip into direct address and say “you” – I’m really just referring to myself.

Long story short – about two years ago, I hated where I was in life. It was the recognition of these three ideas that kept me going and helped me to turn my life around. I should add that these ideas aren’t original, but things that I’ve come across during that time and paraphrased one way or another.

1. The human being is meant to bear the burden of 24 hours — no more, no less. If you live in the future, you will get anxious; if you live in the past, you will get depressed. Twenty four hours is all that you have to live in. Give up all the other burdens to the universe, to god, to your cat, to whatever – but the burdens of the past are not yours. The burdens of the future aren’t yours either. Let them go. The day is your material. It’s what’s in front of you, it’s the only thing that you have the power to change or to shape or to use. It’s your canvas. It’s your material. So use it well.

(The Moon Keeper by drudy222)

2. Happiness is not something you can pursue – but instead the byproduct of doing the right thing. We get so tripped up thinking that happiness is an end goal — and then get frustrated when it slips through our fingers. Instead, focus on whatever the right thing is – and happiness will follow. Feel like shit at the end of the day? Maybe it’s because you ate a tub of ice cream for dinner, forgot to call your mom back, blew off homework to play video games, etc. On the surface, those are all things that should make you “happy” – but I’ve found that when I’m feeling most depressed, its usually a factor of actions I either did or (more likely) did not do. If you’re passively waiting for happiness to wash over you like a wave — it’s not going to happen. Instead, take action, do whatever the “right thing” is, and that feeling of warmth and fulfillment will follow of its own accord.

(Every Line goes through the whole image by no_more_gravity)

3. The world’s idea of success is total sh!t. Don’t get sucked into it. On television, on the street, when talking with friends or family – it seems like everyone confuses the concept of rewards with success itself. Whether it’s money, fame, recognition, praise, sex, the rewards are not up to you — they are all dependent on someone else. Instead, think of success as sustained effort of will. It begins and ends with YOU, and no one else. Think of any fantasy or goal you may have — say you’ve always wanted to be a great artist. Imagine it. What does that look like? I guarantee you’re thinking about palling around in Paris with beautiful women and having your artwork admired in galleries and being given the nobel prize – basically you’re fantasizing about having been a great artist and not actually making the art. That way of thinking can totally mess you up because it once again puts the emphasis on passive recognition over active, sustained effort. The more you shift focus onto your own actions, the more you create sustained effort, and the more likely it is that the rewards will follow.

(What only exists in the mind by AscendingStorm)

Lastly, as a bit of an addendum – it’s good to remember the difference between stopping and quitting. This helps me when I’m feeling a bit lost or down on myself — or during those times when I’ve just chucked these three ideas to the wind and sat on the couch all day instead. If you’ve ever strayed from what you feel you were supposed to do or who you were supposed to be – remember that everyone has to stop. Whatever it is we’re doing, whatever our grand ambitions are in life, we stop. We have to stop. We have to take a piss, or go to bed, or go on vacation, or we have a kid and not have much time to ourselves etc. But quitting is stopping without ever beginning again. So as long as you’re here, as long as you’re alive and pulling air through your lungs, you can begin again. And if you begin again, then you haven’t quit. So f*cking begin again.

Hope this helps someone out there.

[Article is by jockobutters and originally appeared here: https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/4vfiju/text_three_simple_ideas_that_changed_my_life/?st=iraz3ote&sh=5bb954d4]

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.