Making Friendships Tick

I’d like to ask you a question. What gives your life meaning?

Go ahead, give yourself a moment.

What are you coming up with? Your work. Enjoying art. Good food. Music. Being original. That thing you love to do on the weekends. Being outside. Making a hard earned income. Being creative.

If you said any of those, I can totally relate. And I’d love to hear about the one you thought of that hasn’t been mentioned.

Consider for a moment that there’s actually something deeper than all of this that gives your life meaning. Without this something, none of what just got mentioned has meaning anymore.

That something is relationships. Because if you were completely alone in the world, having any or all of those things we thought of earlier would suddenly be meaningless. You’d have no one to share them with.

(Photo: It started out as a kiss… by Tonya Wicht)

But, if you lost all of those things and still had solid relationships, life would continue to have meaning. Sure, it would probably be a major bummer for a while to be without that job/hobby/ability. But you’d get together with a friend or family member for support, and eventually figure out a way through it.

So, this of course leads me to thinking about how to build the kind of relationships that give our lives meaning. And this reflection leads me to something singular (yet again).

It’s something that has really been highlighted for me by an 84 year old whom I’ve known my whole life. My grandfather. He is someone that I feel very connected to. And if he’s one thing, it’s consistent. Consistent about his schedule. What he wears. Does for fun. Eats for lunch (peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a slice of American cheese.)

Most importantly from where I’m sitting, he’s consistent about getting back to me every time I reach out to him. If I call, he picks up. If I text, he texts back. When I suggested we go to India for three weeks, he got right back to me to say, “Let me think about it.” Then a few days later he called with, “Let’s do it!”

I share this idea of consistency to point to that one thing that builds strong, meaningful relationships.

It’s responsiveness. Essentially, when we reach out to someone, they reach back. By doing this over and over again, we build strong capital in the “relationship investment account” that we have with this person.

So what does responsiveness look like in practice? Let’s break it down.

Texting: when someone texts you, be sure to text them back within a few minutes or hours. Yes, even if they just sent you a silly cat video or an article that’s going to take forever to read. If you’re feeling lazy it can be “thanks!” or whichever emoji you’re keen on this week. And if you can’t get back to them within a few hours say, “Sorry to not get back quicker, out with friends. I’ll check this video/article/etc. out!” Lastly, if you find yourself doing a ton of texting or feeling somewhat agitated, give them a call and have a conversation.

Calling: when someone calls you, give them a call back. Simply texting back in response to a phone call can feel distant and disconnected. If you can’t talk right then, answer the phone and let them know when you can call back. Or text them back with “Thanks for the call! In a meeting right now, can I call you at 9pm?” Then put a reminder in your phone to do exactly that.

Time together: when someone reaches out to set up plans with you, reach back out to make it happen. Try to be flexible with your schedule, as this will make them feel important (which they are). And if you haven’t heard from them in a few weeks, go ahead and initiate spending time with them. You will always get more mileage out of setting up plans ahead of time rather than last minute, because it let’s them know they are important enough for you to set aside your valuable time.

A few traps to avoid:

– Canceling on them. This is probably the most important one. Each contact with this person is an investment into your relationship account, and flaking out takes several withdrawals out of that account. If you absolutely cannot make it to something you committed to, let them know as soon as you can. Include the very important reason why you cannot make it. And in that same call/message, try to offer another specific time that works to hang out together.

– Not reaching out because they haven’t reached out to you in awhile. Falling into this trap means you both lose. You lose because you’re left thinking they don’t care about you or are upset with you, they lose because they might be thinking something similar, and you both lose because you don’t get to spend quality time together.

–  Waiting for something “better” to do to come up. It often doesn’t, and now you don’t have anything fun going on this evening. Plus, you have missed an opportunity to invest in the friendship account by committing to plans with them earlier.

Lastly, if a relationship is really important to you, double down on all of the above. If you tend to forget to respond to calls or messages, put reminders in your phone. (“Hey Siri, remind me to call Gramps today at 7pm.”) Also, check your messages and calls at the end of the day to make sure you didn’t forget to get back to one.

(Photo: Pragser Wildsee by Elena Morelli)

Responsiveness will build the kind of relationships that withstand the hard times and give your life meaning. Enjoy reaping the future rewards of your current relational investments, be it lunch with your grandfather, happy hour with your work colleague, or that weekend hike with your friend.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist, and lives with his wife in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Make Better Connections and Richer Friendships

Next time you are hanging out with someone or a group you’ve just met, resist the temptation to give them your resume. “Here’s where I work, this cool degree I have, the distant place I recently traveled to, some impressive fact about myself, yada yada.” This won’t create much of a bond with your new friend. It’s most likely to create more distance between the two of you. And the result will be them giving you their resume in return.

(Photo: Rhododendron Park Kromlau by Jacob Riglin)

Instead, ask your new friend about themselves with genuine interest. Then, when it’s your turn to talk, share a funny story about yourself or about a unique situation you were recently in. Particularly if it’s one that you don’t come out as the hero. Or, if you are feeling particularly daring, tell a mildly embarrassing story about yourself. Share that thing that you usually edit and don’t talk about. (But avoid stories that are overly personal, traumatizing, super gross-out, or one in which you ended up really angry, as these type of stories will have the opposite effect.) This type of sharing that leaves you somewhat exposed will cause the other person to then do the same. And it is in this vulnerability, that deep bonds are forged and strengthened.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

One Way to Reduce Fights with Your Spouse and Loved Ones

Sure, I’m a relationship and couples therapist, but I am certainly not immune to arguments and disagreements with people close to me. Wife, friends, family. You name it. In fact, having a fight, getting through it, then still being close after is a sign to me of a close relationship. And all relationships are going to have arguments at times. If you don’t think so, let me burst that bubble for you right.. now.

Before I share with you one of my favorite things to do when an argument does start, let’s talk a little about your nervous system. It’s governed by the part of the brain called the amygdala and is just chilling most of the time. But when we experience threat it takes over. It takes over by flooding the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, and puts us either into fight or flight mode (occasionally into freeze).

Which is a great response… if we are facing a lion. Or if there is some other genuine threat in front of us that we need to physically fight against or run away from.

Problem is, since we don’t live in caves anymore, those types of threats are increasingly rare. But our brain’s evolution hasn’t quite caught up with this detail, and kicks into fight or flight mode quite often. It kicks into this mode for things like road traffic, running late for work, or a big meeting with the boss. It even happens when we are in a perfectly safe situation, but our brain senses threat because it starts thinking about something in the past or future that was/could be scary.

So as you’ve probably guessed by now, our amygdala also takes over when a disagreement starts (Lion, EEK!) with the person we are talking to. Unless you are a Zen Master perhaps. But for us normal, non-Zen Master folks, that fight or flight mode in turn takes us out of the parts of the brain that govern rational thought. Then we start saying and doing things that are coming from the amygdala thus a fight or flight place.

(Porcelain Metamorphosis by Martin Klimas)

Initially, indications that we are getting into this mode are more subtle. Tone is a little sharp. Voice is elevated. Language is slightly aggressive.

But then the other person’s amygdala takes over and they get into fight or flight mode too. Here’s where things really start to go south. Not south like a trip to the Bahamas.

(Baa Atoll, Maldives by lennble)

South like bad. Heart rate is up, blood is rushing, face may be flush, body temperature elevates. And since we are both in fight or flight mode, we start talking faster, louder, more angry, more aggressive with our words.

Pretty soon, one or both of us says something really ugly and someone heads for the door or slams the phone down.

Okay, getting back to the title of this article. The way to reduce fights with our spouse or loved ones happens first by getting our amygdala back into chill mode, so that our rational brain can take over again. Continuing to argue with the person in front of us is not going to help us get there. In fact, just being around that person might make it difficult to get back into a relaxed, less activated state.

So, we need to take a few minutes or a few hours to allow that to happen. It can be nice for the other person, particularly if they are your significant other, to know that you are taking those few minutes. (That way they don’t just think you are abandoning them or the whole situation. This way they know instead that you are taking care of your nervous system, which in turns takes care of your relationship.)

Something I coach my couples to say here is “Let’s take a break from this conversation,” or “I think I need a timeout.” What’s key here, is you don’t want to mistakenly tell them you are leaving the relationship. You are just taking a little bit of time to let your amygdala get back to normal. And if you have the presence of mind, give them a time estimate. “I’m going to take 20 minutes to calm down.” If that amount of time goes by and you are still pretty agitated, you’re always allowed to come back and let them know you need more time.

(Highliners taking a timeout in Monte Piana by Balazs Mohai)

During this time that you’ve now set aside, do something that is calming to you. Contrary to what we were told many years ago, punching a pillow is typically not a very calming activity. But there are a slew of alternatives including: take a walk, meditate, do a few stretches, draw a bath, go to a workout class, play a sport, watch your breath, read, take a nap, or really anything that helps your amygdala and autonomic nervous system to get out of fight or flight mode. Side note, if you are leaving to do one of these activities, tell your loved one that is what you are doing. “I’m going to take a drive to relax, and will be back in an hour or so.” That way they aren’t getting more upset while you are gone.

That’s it. It absolutely takes practice and hard work. Just like any worthwhile relationship, or really anything worthwhile for that matter. But it works. And pays back in dividends. Let me know how it goes.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

Three Simple Ideas that Changed my Life by jockobutters

You  might know I’m a huge reddit fan. Such a great site for silly gifs, inspiring videos, pictures of cats. Of course. And the occasional interesting bit of news or worthwhile read.

I’ve been poking around there as usual and stumbled across this article that really got me thinking. I actually woke up thinking about the second one last night.

Let’s get right to it.

Three simple ideas that changed my life by jockobutters

I’ve been wanting to write down these ideas for awhile in the hopes that someone else might find them useful. I know this sub has a tendency toward contrarianism, and I certainly do not intend these ideas to be “universal” – but just wanted to present these things that have personally worked for me and can maybe benefit someone else. If I slip into direct address and say “you” – I’m really just referring to myself.

Long story short – about two years ago, I hated where I was in life. It was the recognition of these three ideas that kept me going and helped me to turn my life around. I should add that these ideas aren’t original, but things that I’ve come across during that time and paraphrased one way or another.

1. The human being is meant to bear the burden of 24 hours — no more, no less. If you live in the future, you will get anxious; if you live in the past, you will get depressed. Twenty four hours is all that you have to live in. Give up all the other burdens to the universe, to god, to your cat, to whatever – but the burdens of the past are not yours. The burdens of the future aren’t yours either. Let them go. The day is your material. It’s what’s in front of you, it’s the only thing that you have the power to change or to shape or to use. It’s your canvas. It’s your material. So use it well.

(The Moon Keeper by drudy222)

2. Happiness is not something you can pursue – but instead the byproduct of doing the right thing. We get so tripped up thinking that happiness is an end goal — and then get frustrated when it slips through our fingers. Instead, focus on whatever the right thing is – and happiness will follow. Feel like shit at the end of the day? Maybe it’s because you ate a tub of ice cream for dinner, forgot to call your mom back, blew off homework to play video games, etc. On the surface, those are all things that should make you “happy” – but I’ve found that when I’m feeling most depressed, its usually a factor of actions I either did or (more likely) did not do. If you’re passively waiting for happiness to wash over you like a wave — it’s not going to happen. Instead, take action, do whatever the “right thing” is, and that feeling of warmth and fulfillment will follow of its own accord.

(Every Line goes through the whole image by no_more_gravity)

3. The world’s idea of success is total sh!t. Don’t get sucked into it. On television, on the street, when talking with friends or family – it seems like everyone confuses the concept of rewards with success itself. Whether it’s money, fame, recognition, praise, sex, the rewards are not up to you — they are all dependent on someone else. Instead, think of success as sustained effort of will. It begins and ends with YOU, and no one else. Think of any fantasy or goal you may have — say you’ve always wanted to be a great artist. Imagine it. What does that look like? I guarantee you’re thinking about palling around in Paris with beautiful women and having your artwork admired in galleries and being given the nobel prize – basically you’re fantasizing about having been a great artist and not actually making the art. That way of thinking can totally mess you up because it once again puts the emphasis on passive recognition over active, sustained effort. The more you shift focus onto your own actions, the more you create sustained effort, and the more likely it is that the rewards will follow.

(What only exists in the mind by AscendingStorm)

Lastly, as a bit of an addendum – it’s good to remember the difference between stopping and quitting. This helps me when I’m feeling a bit lost or down on myself — or during those times when I’ve just chucked these three ideas to the wind and sat on the couch all day instead. If you’ve ever strayed from what you feel you were supposed to do or who you were supposed to be – remember that everyone has to stop. Whatever it is we’re doing, whatever our grand ambitions are in life, we stop. We have to stop. We have to take a piss, or go to bed, or go on vacation, or we have a kid and not have much time to ourselves etc. But quitting is stopping without ever beginning again. So as long as you’re here, as long as you’re alive and pulling air through your lungs, you can begin again. And if you begin again, then you haven’t quit. So f*cking begin again.

Hope this helps someone out there.

[Article is by jockobutters and originally appeared here: https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/4vfiju/text_three_simple_ideas_that_changed_my_life/?st=iraz3ote&sh=5bb954d4]

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

Increase Enjoyment by Reducing Choice??

Ever wrap up a long, stressful day with that desire to stretch out on the couch and watch that perfect movie or new TV show?

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Yes, quite often in fact”, then you and I have one more thing in common.

So you start scrolling through Netflix or Rotten Tomatoes, checking reviews, looking at ratings, and watching trailers. Twenty minutes go by.

You’ve narrowed it down to 2 or 3 that look promising.

Finally, you take the plunge and click on one.

You watch it for several minutes. Then you think to yourself, “Man, this is kind of mediocre!” And you’re somewhere between bummed and irritated. You did all this research and still it doesn’t result in anything great to watch.

So you pull out your phone and start scrolling through FaceTwitt or Snaptagram. Or you pull up the other movie/show that you were thinking about watching. And any way you slice it you just can’t seem to find anything that enjoyable to do.

Bummer. I know right! 

So what happened? Well, your brain and modern media played a trick on you. Here’s the dealio:

#1: Let’s start with the brain.

We get overwhelmed by choice. Paralyzed in fact. A study from Columbia University by Professor Sheena Iyengar proved this point. They did their study on people purchasing jam from a roadside stand. They found that when presented with many choices, study participants are 50% more likely to stop by the jam stand. (Name of my next rock band btw.) Paradoxically, they are 1/10th as likely to make a purchase at the stand with lots of jams to choose from.

So let’s connect the dots. We think we like to have tons of options, eg. Netflix. But when presented with so many choices, we become so paralyzed that we have tremendous difficulty making a choice. Or don’t at all.

#2: Modern media makes us believe that it can help us find the perfect restaurant/app/entertainment for us to consume right now.

It presents us with a ton of options that are immediately available in our pockets or with the click of a button. Then it uses algorithms and recommendations and reviews and aggregators to help us decide which amazing thing to consume.

Trouble is, someone else’s opinion or review about a thing will likely not be the same as ours. Our moods, who we are with, substances in our system, what kind of day we’ve had, and a host of other factors are much more likely to impact the actual experience we have. Lastly, many great movies or widgets are only going to be a few percent “better” than the next one. So whether it has 241 reviews and 4.7 stars or 1,192 reviews and 4.6 stars, the actual experience is going to be fairly similar and more dictated by factors directly related to you (eg. mindset, who I’m with, how I feel today), thus not quantifiable by reviews.

So what can you do about it? Good news: there are a number of things you can do to avoid choice paralysis and get more enjoyment out of your decision.

1. Keep the research you do fairly short. Whether you’re on Amazon or Yelp or Netflix, make your decision within a few minutes. That way you won’t get sucked into the belief that you have found the perfect widget/restaurant/movie – spoiler alert: it doesn’t exist. (Exception big ticket items: do a little more research for these on Cnet.com or ConsumerReports.org.)
2. Go in with an optimistic perspective but low expectations. A negative perspective will automatically reduce the joy you get out of it, plus put a damper on people around you. High expectations only have one likely outcome: disappointment.
3. Try to forget about the other options you were considering. When you are just having an alright time watching the movie or eating the food, it’s tempting to begin to regret your choice and imagine that the grass would definitely have been greener if you had selected Applebee’s instead. This effectively reduces the enjoyment you are having, plus it prevents you from really being present in the moment to enjoy this right here.
4. Remind yourself that the other thing probably was about equally as good and you can always try it next time. This way you are not fixating on what you are “missing out on” and in turn missing out on what’s right in front of you.

Love to hear how it goes for you. Let me know in the comments below or by shooting me an email directly.

(Columbia study referenced appeared in the New York Times article Too Many Choices: A Problem that can Paralyze.)

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

How do I Find a Good Therapist?

A lot of my friends and family have reached out to me over the years to ask how to find a therapist. So, I wanted to share with you what I’ve shared with them on navigating this often tricky territory. Also, I realize how exasperating and tiring it can be to find a good therapist!

 

Whether you don’t know where to start or have simply given up after tons of phone calls, here’s an easy guide to finding a solid therapist:

1. Zero in on the one or two things you are looking for support with. This could be support with a relationship, past trauma, anxiety, a recent loss, or anything that is reducing the quality of your life.
2. If you know any therapists or friends who have seen a therapist, ask them who they’d recommend. If you feel comfortable, also let them know the general topic you’d like support around.
3. Call several therapists. Most of them will offer a free consultation either over the phone or in person.
4. Schedule a first session with the therapist you liked the most. A good relationship with your therapist is the single factor most likely to help you achieve what you want from the process.
5. If you don’t connect with any of the therapists you talk with, be it over the phone or in person, call a few new ones.
6. If you can’t get any recommendations from friends or don’t connect with your initial therapist referrals, head over to www.PsychologyToday.com. Look for a therapist in your local area who focuses on the thing you need support around. Similarly, don’t go to a therapist who only specializes in grief if you’re looking for support in relationships. Also, it’s perfectly okay to have a gender, age, or other preference when choosing your therapist.
7. Finally, call several therapists and work with the one who resonates with you the most.

If you are looking for a Couple’s Therapist, try to find one in your area who specializes in EFT therapy. You can do that by asking around, or searching for it on Psychology Today’s website or Google.

If the therapist you reach out to does not accept your insurance or any insurance whatsoever, call your insurance company to find out if they offer partial reimbursement for the session fee.

Finding a good therapist can be difficult and expensive. The same is often true for a good restaurant or a solid pair of running shoes. How much is your mental health worth to you?

Expect to spend $150-200 per 50 minute session, possibly more or less depending on the cost of living in your area. If you do not have insurance and finances are tight, let your therapist know during your first conversation. Some therapists set aside a few sliding scale slots for clients with financial need, so it can’t hurt to ask.

As for how long the process will take, it’s a little different for each person and dependent on what you want to work on. In my work, I specialize in relationship therapy and couple’s counseling, so I expect to work with clients for at least 6-12 months.

Lastly, although it is often pretty daunting to know where to start and to actually take that first step, it can be an incredibly meaningful and fulfilling process to be a part of. And I’m speaking from experience.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

How to Increase Your Productivity. Now.

I often reflect on how to get more out of the time I’m allotted each day. Both in work as well as my personal life. So I flipped on a favorite podcast this morning called ‘Freakonomics’, and a productivity expert named Charles Duhigg was on. Sweet right!

(I’ve heard cool photos equal more readers, so here’s one from reddit I like.)

I often reflect on how to get more out of the time I’m allotted each day. Both in work as well as my personal life. So I flipped on a favorite podcast this morning called ‘Freakonomics’, and a productivity expert named Charles Duhigg was on. Sweet right! 

Duhigg had interviewed over 400 people for his bestseller ‘Power of Habit’ and boiled down the 8 things that came up again and again:

1. Motivation: we trigger self-motivation by doing things that make us feel in control.

2. Focus: we train ourselves to pay attention to the right things and ignore distractions by building mental models and narrating to ourselves what’s going on around us.

3. Goals: we need both a stretch goal and a goal that we can achieve tomorrow morning.

4. Decision making: the best decision makers tend to think probabilistically of multiple hypothetical futures, then try to think of which one is most likely to occur.

5. Innovation: the most creative environments are the ones that allow people to take cliches and then mix them together in new ways. The people best at this have their feet in a few different worlds and can figure out which ideas will best click together.

6. Absorbing data: sometimes the best way to learn is by making data hard to absorb. The harder we have to work to understand an idea, the stickier it becomes.

7. Managing others: the best way to tap into an individual’s unique talent is by putting the person responsible for solving the problem, closest to the problem.

8. Teams: who is on a team matters much less than how a team interacts.

Now go get ’em.

Get the full interview from the Freakonomics podcast here: http://stitcher.com/s?eid=43881554&autoplay=1.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

Want to stop Anxiety? Start here.

Feeling stressed? Anxious? Restless at night?

I feel ya. No fun.

That tightness in the stomach. Rushing thoughts. Waking up and not falling back to sleep.

Irritable. Frustrated. Shorter temper.

It afflicts a lot all of us. And can spiral until we are left angry, depressed, exhausted. Seemingly small things set us off. Activities that were once a ton of fun just don’t seem as exciting or interesting anymore.

It took me years to realize that I also carry anxiety. I have always had a pretty positive, worry-free outlook on the world. So, if you had asked me if I was worried or anxious, I probably would have grinned and said, “What’s that?!”

I can remember the moment when I realized that I carry anxiety. I was dabbling in some yoga, still not totally sure that it was my thing or that it was really worth $18 per class. The pose was pigeon, which is basically a big, not super fun, hip stretch. Here I am trying to look like I’m not hating it:

 

The teacher told me to notice my breath. I thought, “I can’t. There’s so many important things going on in my head that I need to figure out and take care of!!” Suddenly I realized, that’s my anxiety. That’s me worrying about stuff. That’s me getting my panties in a bunch. That’s me thinking I can use my brain to fix that thing that I want to be different. (Spoiler alert: that never happens.)

When I begin to discover how much anxiety/stress/worry I walk around with all day, it got me curious about what to do about it. Essentially, what are some things I can do so that I carry less anxiety around and feel less affected by it. 

So that launched what’s now been a decade of exploring exercise, movement, meditation, breathwork, mindfulness, self-talk, and a host of other methodologies that have a tremendous amount of research behind them. As well as people incredibly dedicated to each.  Sure enough, I discovered there are some incredibly effective things we can do about our anxiety. And it doesn’t have to take that much time or effort.

Here are my three favorite tricks for calming anxiety:

1. Three audible exhales. Let’s do this one together: inhale deeply through your nose, gently open your mouth, “aaaaaaahhhhhh.” Repeat. And once more. Notice how you feel? A touch calmer right. It actually releases happy drugs into your brain (namely serotonin and dopamine) and turns down your nervous system so that you are in less of a “fight or flight” mode.
2. Somatic awareness. Notice what your right hand feels like. Temperature. Tingly perhaps. Then notice your feet. What they feel like. The pressure of your socks or if they are bare the feeling of what’s underneath them. Tune in to the space between your eye brows. If it’s tight, let it soften. You can continue doing this to any part of your body, or return to the same ones. The reason this works is because it soothes the nervous system and slows down the mind. It has been proven that we are unable to multi-task. So when you are focusing on what’s happening in different parts of your body, you can’t actually worry about that thing you were worrying about.
3. Present moment. Tune in to what is happening at this very moment. The screen that you are looking at. The sounds you are hearing. How your body feels. The shape of your breath. In doing so, you’ve brought yourself away from the thing that is causing you anxiety and into this amazing moment right now. That thing you are feeling stressed about won’t go away by thinking about it, so you can give yourself a break and savor this splendid moment.

Okay, and before I close, I’ll share a few more quick tips. Specifically on sleep. Cuz I love me my sleep.

Difficulty sleeping? Insomnia or restlessness at night – and this may come as no surprise – is also a product of anxiety. And there are so many nights I’ve spent awake. Thinking. Worrying about that thing. Anxious.

I should say I used to. Oh, the anxiety and stuff to worry about is still there. Plenty of it. I’ve just learned how to manage it instead of letting it manage me. Result: my anxiety is down and my sleep is up.

Here’s how:

Beginner level: count your breaths. Start by trying to count 10 breaths. Then move up to 20. And so on. Initially the thoughts will make it difficult to get past 10 or so without forgetting where you are. Eventually, you’ll become a ninja and it will be time to move up to the intermediate level.

Intermediate level: feel your skin. Not by touching it with your hands. But by actually noticing what your skin is feeling like. What’s the temperature? Does it feel tingly? Can you feel the covers or clothing against your skin? When the thoughts come crowding back in, return your awareness to what your skin feels like.

Advanced level: “watch” the space between your eyebrows. While keeping your eyes closed at the same time. Sounds weird right. That’s why this is some advanced level @#%! It took me a while to figure this one out, so expect it to take a while to make sense. At first when you close your eyes and “look” at the screen on the back of your forehead, it will just look black. But over time, you will start to “see” colors and shapes. I’ve noticed since practicing this technique for about 8 years now, it gets me to sleep within 10 minutes or so. And that’s even when restlessness is in full effect.

Did you or have you tried any of this stuff? Got any other tips or tricks you’d add? I’d love to hear about it. Drop me a line below in the comments, or reach out to me directly using one of the links below.

Anxiety. Stops. Now.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

My Friendship is Broke… how do I fix it?

Scenario 1: Something’s off in the relationship. Ya know, that thing that just doesn’t seem to be working right. We’re not talking the way we used to. Things don’t feel as close. There’s this unspoken awkwardness when we meet. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something is broke. 

Or…

Scenario 2: I’m upset with my friend so and so. They were a “@!#$” to me and I don’t like them anymore. I just can’t believe they did that to me! And I might not have told my friends about this yet but it actually hurts. I think about it and it makes me anxious and I’m not totally sure what to do about it. But I am sure that I’m pissed with them. 

Totally.

Normal.

(I know, “Phew!” right.)

Happens all the time. People constantly hurt people. Friends hurt one another. Sometimes it’s pretty much an accident and sometimes it’s kind of not. When it happens to us, we usually do one of three things:

Method 1. We get up in their faces, confront, get loud and angry, tell them where they screwed up, make four letter references in their direction. Really let them have it. Sure, given the advent of modern technology, this often occurs via text or the social media vehicle of choice.

Method 2. We never talk about it. Sure we keep seeing the person, maybe a little less often or in groups or whatever. We just pretend that the thing never happened. They might know about it, they might not. It kind of eats away at us. It certainly causes some distance in the relationship. And that distance usually grows.

Method 3. We pretty much cut off contact. It might be abrupt or more of a slow fade. The abrupt version is straight up, “I’m never talking to/texting/calling/social media-ing that person ever again.” The slow fade is being less responsive to their attempts to make contact, not being available when they want to do something together, being somewhat distant or aloof when we do see them, and so on. In my experience, this method is the most likely choice.

Outcome in any of the three scenarios equals no more friendship.

Boy, that’s a sad phrase even to read. Or maybe I’m just a softie.

Anywhoo, these three scenarios happen all the time. And are an absolute virus to relationships. The hurt or disconnection eventually rears up and does a number on that friendship we once had. With it continuing to fester, it begins to get impossible to have a strong, safe, connected relationship with the other person.

Well that sucks, I guess that’s it and it’s all over, huh?

It could be. But it doesn’t have to be. In fact, there is a fairly clear cut path back to making the relationship right. And though clear cut, it’s not necessarily an easy one.

I’ll share the how by telling you a story. It begins in the little city/town I went to college in. And the other character in the story is my dear friend Eric. As well as a royal screwup on my part. So royal that his trust was broken and the friendship was over. It went down in the big confrontation kind of way, or scenario #1 from above. BIG being the key word of that sentence.

I didn’t really know what to do. I knew I had messed up. Albeit initially I was a little reluctant to admit to myself, or anyone else really, how royally I had done so.

Then it started to settle in that I had lost a best friend.

It hurt. With a poor choice on my part, a sequence of events were put into motion that brought our relationship crashing down. Initially I back-peddled a little with our mutual friends, sort of pretended like it wasn’t a big deal or that I hadn’t really done anything all that serious. I also tried to make contact with Eric. I was a little half-hearted and he was a little distant.

Then I let some time pass. Looking back, I’m on the fence about whether I made the right choice here. Part of me says I should have gone to Eric not long after breaking his trust, and vulnerably attempted to do a repair (more on this in a moment). The other part of me thinks that he would not have been ready for it, and time needed to do some healing before fixing the relationship really could happen.

Here’s the “how-to” on repairing a rift in a relationship (then I’ll share what happened with Eric and I).

Method A: If you hurt them.

1. Get clear in your mind first, that you want to be in an apologetic, vulnerable, listening space. Remember, your only goal is to repair the relationship and this is the best mode to be in to do this. And I will say that this is a difficult mode to be in when you’re experiencing disconnection from someone, and likely feeling a little defensive and cautious.
2. Reach out gently and set up the meeting on their terms. I’m a huge fan of taking a walk for these kind of conversations, but try to be open to whatever they suggest.
3. Open by letting them know how much you value them and how sorry you are for hurting them. Then open up the space for them to really vent their feelings with a question like, “I’d love to hear what your experience was like, if you’re open to sharing?”
4. Listen and validate. Then repeat. You will probably have a different experience of the events, and occasionally want to jump in with your side or to correct them. Instead, nod along and try to genuinely understand that this is their real experience of what happened.
5. Apologize. Reflect back to them the injury you committed after the apology. “I’m realizing now how much I hurt you by not being there for you when you needed me, and I’m really sorry.”
6. Reiterate how important they are to you and that you are committed to this friendship. Even if it takes a while for the trust to be built.

Method B: If they hurt you. 

1. First, get clear in your mind that your goal is to repair relationship. It is not to retaliate, or to go in guns blazing and really let them have it. Also, we often just feel angry or frustrated with the person. See if you can find the hurt or sadness you are feeling that’s underneath, and what specific thing he or she did that’s causing you pain.
2. Reach out from a place of compassion – if you can find any in there – and let them know you’d like to get together to talk. Did I mention I’m a big fan of taking walks for these convos? If they don’t want to get together or say that they are busy, give them some time before you reach out again.
3. When you sit down together, they might launch right into their defenses. This won’t feel very good. They might also offer a weak apology, and rush into everything being alright again. However they decide to start, see if you can ask for what you need. “Hey, I’d love to share my side of what happened, as well as some feelings it stirred up. Would you be open to hearing about it?”
4. Share what hurt you. Phrases like, “I feel…” and “In my experience…” are really helpful. Words like, “sad”, “hurt”, and “scared” are as well. Try to avoid getting angry and blamey. This will be hard. Words like “why”, and “should” are best left out of this conversation.
5. Let them know what you need. It could be something you’d prefer they didn’t do or something you’d really appreciate from them. It might sound like, “In the future, it would mean a ton to me if you would…”. Then fill in the blank.
6. Close the conversation with a gesture that let’s both of you know you are good again. A hug and a “Thanks a bunch, you mean a lot to me,” is a great example.

You will know that you’ve successfully repaired the relationship if things don’t feel weird the next few times you hang out with your friend. And if you are not still regularly thinking about whatever hurt occurred. If you do still feel weird around them and think about it pretty often, that’s your way of knowing the repair is incomplete. Return to step 1.

You could open that second conversation up with, “Hey, I know we talked about this already. I’m noticing I’m thinking about it quite a bit and still feeling hurt. Would you mind if we tried to unpack it a little more?”

Okay, to finish the story about Eric and I…

So for a few years we were a little distant. Had the cordial, “how ya doing?” type relationship. We both knew there was a big elephant (AKA hurt) in the room anytime we were together. As a result, there was not the closeness and connection we once knew.

Then one day it got really clear to me how important Eric had been in my life and that I really wanted to repair the relationship. So I reached out to him and we made a point to get some time in person together. I let him know that I had really messed up and broken his trust. I also shared how important he was to me and how bad I felt knowing that I’d hurt him.

Eric was really receptive to what I shared. He did let me know he had been hurt, and vulnerably let me in on what his experience had been during our disconnection. He also shared that he could have done things a little differently so that our rift would not have been so large. Lastly, Eric reiterated how important the relationship was to him and that he’d like to be strong friends again.

Last week I got together with him and it was so so good to see him and spend time together. I didn’t feel any weirdness around him and haven’t in the decade since we repaired our relationship. It feels so good having his friendship for almost half of my life, and even better knowing the storms we have weathered along the way.

As always I’d love to hear your thoughts, additions, subtractions. Leave them in the comments below or reach out to me directly at JeremiMcManus.com.

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Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.

What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from Harvard’s 75 year study on happiness

“What keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life?”

In a recent survey, 80% of millennials say that their major life goal is to get rich and another 50% said it’s to get famous.

We are constantly told that we need to work more and work harder to have a good life. Most of what we know is retrospective – asking people to look back on their lives. But we know that memory can be pretty creative and not very reliable.

So what if we could track people’s lives from the time they are teens through late in their lives to get a sense of what really keeps us happy and healthy?

The Harvard Study of Adult Development did exactly that. For 75 years, it tracked the lives of 724 men asking about their careers and what makes them happy, year after year. Most studies of this magnitude do not survive due to funding, and researchers either retiring or moving on to other projects.

This one did. And about 60 of the participants are still alive and still part of this study that is currently led by Robert Waldinger.

The study tracked two different groups of men. One was from the poorest and most disadvantaged families in Boston. The other group began as freshmen at Harvard College.

Over the course of their lives, these men went on to become bricklayers and lawyers and one the President of the United States. Some developed alcoholism, others schizophrenia. A few of the men climbed the social ladder to its highest rungs, others went the other direction.

To get the clearest picture of these men’s lives, the researchers scan their brains, talk to their children, get their medical records, and talk to the men in their living rooms. They are videotaped talking to their wives about their deepest concerns.

It turns out that the lessons learned from this work aren’t about wealth, or fame, or working harder and harder. The clearest lesson we’ve learned from 75 years in this study is this:

“Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

We’ve learned three important things from this study about relationships:

1. Social connections are really good for us and loneliness kills. People who are more socially connected are happier, healthier, and live longer. Loneliness, meanwhile, is toxic. People who are isolated from others more than they want to be find that they are less happy, health declines earlier, and they do not live as long. Unfortunately more than 1 in 5 Americans report at some point in their lives that they are lonely.
2. It is the quality of our relationships that matters. Living in the midst of a bad relationship has negative effects on our health. High-conflict marriages for example, are very bad on our health, perhaps even worse than getting divorced. Living in warm relationships has protective benefits on our health. Middle age cholesterol levels did not predict whether or not one of the men would become a healthy octogenarian. People who were the most satisfied with their relationships at 50, were the healthiest at age 80.
3. Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains. Being in a securely attached relationship in your 80s, those people’s memories stay sharper longer. It doesn’t mean the relationship was smooth all the time, it was that they knew they could really call on their partner in a time of need.

So why is this so hard? We want a quick fix. Relationships are messy and complicated and hard work. Not very sexy or glamorous. It’s also lifelong. People in their 70s who were the happiest had worked hard to replace workmates with playmates after retirement.

So what about you?

The good life is built with good relationships.

[This blog is a summary of a terrific Ted talk by Dr. Robert Waldinger titled: “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness”, and the quotes are taken directly from him. Check it out here: http://go.ted.com/CmnD]

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Jeremi McManus  is a Relationship Therapist, Couples Therapist, and Author who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.