Interview by Vitra Singh in Diva Gossip, March 12, 2013
In yesterday’s article, we looked at the biggest dating mistake women make and how to feel more comfortable in social situations.
In today’s Part II, Dating & Relationship Coach, Jeremi McManus, continues to share advice and tips from his years of experience with client. Let’s jump right in:
Vitra: Modern day women are often asking if men should still be paying and taking charge. What are your thoughts?
Jeremi: I think chivalry is not dead – that’s what I share with the men I work with. I think there is wisdom and generosity in the man providing for the woman. It is nice for a guy to treat her for dinner, make plans, get doors. I coach the men to be chivalrous. Keep the first date cheap – maybe grab coffee and of course, get that for her. On the second date there’s probably an activity around that and then dinner. At that point say “I would love to get the check.” I think it’s polite for the woman to offer, but the guy should pick it up and add a compliment along with it like “It’s a pleasure to spend time with you.” When you get around to date three or four, that can be a good place for the woman to say “You’ve gotten it the last few times, let me get this.” This shows the guy she’s willing to contribute and offer and give in a way that he’s willing to. It allows a nice shared sense of being generous to each other. Treat your woman.
Vitra: What are signs that a man is ready for a long-term relationship?
Jeremi: It doesn’t have to do with maturity or even age. I think before you’re 20-25 it’s wise not to get into something serious and long term. In a time-frame that’s appropriate for the relationship look for ways to see if the guy is ready to commit.
I think 30 days is a nice window to get to know each other and then after the 30 days, 1 month, 6 months – everyone is different – talk about exclusivity. And in having conversations like that you can weed out people who don’t want to commit or settle down. And what’s hard is that if they are not ready to commit, it’s often a commentary on where they are at or a lack of a fit—not a commentary on who you are.
Vitra: Is it true that women want to get chased?
Jeremi: Women do want to get chased. Every woman appreciates some kind of pursuit and for the man, that means expressing his interest, calling instead of texting, letting her know she’s a priority, being responsive to her and her needs. Often times what is perceived as playing games is avoidance.
Vitra: What do men like?
Jeremi: Men like to chase…this has been how things have gone for thousands of years – with some degree of him chasing her. And the reason women say “I feel really loved, really sexy, cared for…” is when he’s pursuing or making effort to spend time, or buying dinner, because she’s being chased. And men like the opportunity that women give them to do some of the pursuing.
Vitra: What are some No-No’s for women?
Jeremi: Don’t be aggressive. For some women it’s working on being receptive because it creates space for guy to enjoy being the pursuer and for women to be pursued. I’m speaking in generalizations because everyone is unique. A guy has to be assertive and that’s his work. Her work is allowing him to call, take the initiative and make plans and allowing him to be the pursuer. It is important she give a big kudos when he’s being the pursuer and doing or providing things for her.
Vitra: What if a woman does all this and never hears back from a guy?
Jeremi: View it as checking one more off your list of someone who’s not going to work. There’s a pool as a woman and there’s going to be a certain number guys you have to check off your list…so it’s a good thing if you let him pursue and he doesn’t reciprocate. As much as it sucks in that moment to not get a call or text back, something I remind people I work with is how awesome they are and there are plenty of fish in the sea, so get out there.
Vitra: How does one get over being dumped?
Jeremi: Don’t Facebook stalk your ex cause it sucks – it activates you and makes you feel crappy. I would suggest let go as much contact with your ex as possible, and be explicit about it until you’ve healed. Self-care is important, call your girlfriends, do things you didn’t get a chance to do before, attend meetup groups, get back to your hobbies, lean on friends and family, journal about whats happening, treat yourself to something. Anything that fills you and helps feels good. Take the time to heal and cry and go through that grieving process to prepare yourself for the person you’re going to end up being with.
Do you have any questions or your own advice? Let us know!
Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Coach, Psychotherapist, and Couples Therapist who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.