Aright fellas, wanting to land that first date and not sure where to begin? You’re at the right place, but I need you to throw something out first. No really, if you want that date you really have to. Toss out the “No-that’s-not-gonna-works.” Seriously. I’ve done the research, formal and informal, and helped plenty of men get that date, and then several more – in fact, that’s why I created SF Relationship Coaching & Psychotherapy. These are the tools, don’t miss out.
1. Where can you meet women?
Everywhere. Step into your whole life with an open stance and a world of possibility is in front of you. Get on match.com and start emailing. Then email some more. Go to the bar tomorrow night. Initiate a conversation about anything with the first woman you see. Then do it again. Go to one meetup.com event a week. Then start going to two. Talk to your crush at work. Talk to the cutie at your corner coffee shop. Say yes next time a blind date opportunity comes your way, even if you don’t think you’re interested. Go to that singles mixer you heard about and don’t want to go to and go to that speed dating event as well. Go to church or synagogue or yoga class or wherever you get your spiritual on and interact with other human beings. Go to the party your coworkers are throwing. Take your dog on walks where other real human beings are. Take a wingman barhopping every Thursday.
2. Important note: you can do all of that and more without an open stance and not meet with much success. “What’s an open stance?” you ask. An open stance is a smile with eye contact, and causes the person you are looking at to feel that you like them. Not in a creepy way but in a way that you communicate that you think they are a really cool human being. Channel the message, “I like you,” and practice it. Daily, in the mirror, on an iPhone video or with a friend that you trust to give you honest feedback. Then practice it in every situation you are in where people are present, whether they are a potential interest or not. People that feel liked by you will like you back and this will create social and relational opportunities for you. Dale Carnegie has plenty more to say about this and his book is awesome.
3. Part of maintaining an open stance is learning to say yes and letting go of no. It is a powerful bonding tool. “Want some gum?” Yes. “Seen any good movies?” Yes. “Enjoy seafood?” Yes. Worried about not being completely honest with whoever you are talking too? Be more worried about being alone the rest of your life. And you don’t actually have to lie, just don’t say no. When someone asks, “Like rap music?” and you absolutely hate it, say anything true like, “I actually went to a Snoop Dogg concert with my buddy recently…” (then turn the question on them) “…why who do you enjoy listening to?”
4. Be interested in her. If she says she likes something ask her about it. If you are rambling on about a topic you like but she is glazing over, switch topics. Cultivate a curiosity that results in you having an endless supply of questions and directions to take the conversation. As Dorothy Parker reminds us, “The cure for boredom is curiosity. And there is no cure for curiosity.” You can avoid it turning into twenty questions game by periodically sharing a story about yourself or relating in some way to what she is sharing, “O yeah, my brother went to Australia recently as well, it looks beautiful!”
5. Pursue your passions. Women find it sexy when a guy does things he loves, and it results in you bringing a spark into every conversation and situation. It also reflects that you are well-rounded and not just another 9 to 5ing stiff who is living to work. Your passion and excitement causes her and others around to be passionate and excited as well, literally lighting up the room. Or at least the table you’re both sitting at.
6. Be agreeable (remember, the open stance stuff from earlier?) and still have an opinion. If she asks you if you like something tell her instead of just turning the question back on her or going along with whatever she says. Avoid, “Well, uh, what did you think of Avatar? O, yeah, well I liked it too.” It makes you appear less self-confident and unsure of who you are and what you are about. Instead, “You know, I wasn’t crazy about Avatar, but what did you like about it?” This way you confidently express an opinion, show that you can handle having different opinions about something, and you give her a chance to talk about something she enjoys.
7. Lastly, put your cellphone away – seriously. They are social opportunity killers.
Jeremi McManus is a Relationship Coach, Psychotherapist, and Couples Therapist who works with people who want more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. His own ups and downs in dating and relating were instrumental in leading him into this field. If you feel like you could use some perspective, he looks forward to hearing from you. Jeremi is a Licensed Psychotherapist and delighted to call San Francisco home.